How to Communicate Your Point of View, Handle Resistance and Solve Problems

Peter Sun is one of Australia's chief experts on communication skills.  In this article which appeared in the February 1999 edition of Vaccination? The Choice is Yours!, he explains how it is not only possible, but simple to talk to others about our vaccination decisions.  This is so important because those of us who have chosen not to vaccinate or to vaccinate selectively are often described as bad, complacent, lazy or ignorant parents.  We must show others that we are simply people who care about our children first and foremost and that our decisions are based upon research and love for our children.

Even if some people never agree with what we have chosen to do, hopefully through this sort of communication, they will come to understand that these are our choices and should be respected.

When wanting to communicate a point of view about any topic, or working to settle a dispute or disagreement, most people use direct verbal “force”.  I am right / you are wrong-type of approach.  Even if you win the argument, you create resentment and even anger or other negative feelings. A much better way to resolve any problem is to come fron a place of understanding, ‘guiding’ the conflict to a new direction and better resolution – always asking yourself this question…How can I best get my message across and create a feeling of peace and co-operation between us, while having fun in the process?

It is important to remember that certain words and phrases create conflict, resistance and problems. A good communicator, instead of fighting and opposing someone’s views, is flexible and resourceful enough to sense the creation of resistance, find points of agreement, bring these in line with his opponent and then redirect the communication in the direction they want it to go in.

One of the most destructive words in communication is the word BUT.  How do you feel when someone says to you…”I totally agree, but…(You are a liar)”. The words “but” or “however” negate everything said before them. What if you simply changed the word ‘but’ for the word ‘and’? I totally agree with you and here’s something else that’s also true! OR... That’s an interesting idea and here’s another way to think about it. By starting with an agreement, you create a new direction with your following statement, instead of creating resistance.

REMEMBER: There are no bad people out there, only inflexible communicators.
What if you had a communication model you could use to say exactly what you wanted and how you felt about the vaccination issue, without compromising your integrity in any way, and yet never having to ‘fight’ or disagree with the other person either? Would that be useful for you? Helping your cause and making a difference in the world? Knowing you’ll be saving children’s lives by communicating your message in a much more effective way? Great! Well, here it is. It’s simply three powerful phrases you can use when communicating with any person, in any situation. 

These phrases do three things when communicating:

1.  Respect the person you’re communicating with (even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint).
2.  Keeps the rapport and builds trust.
3.  Allows you to share your point of view and how you feel but never resists their opinion in any way (and thus creates a barrier to having them see your point of view). 

Without resistance, there is no conflict.

The three “magic” phrases are:

1. I appreciate your point of view and…
2. I respect your feelings on this and…
3. I agree with your commitment to helping children…

In each case, you are creating peace and co-operation in your communication with this person. Here’s how you could specifically use this in your communication with parents or doctors.

Let’s imagine the person says to you… “You’re absolutely wrong, vaccines are perfectly safe and you are endangering the health of your and my children by not vaccinating”. Instead of fighting them and giving them all the reasons why they are wrong and you are right, and thus creating conflict and resistance, you may say…

“I respect the intensity of your feelings on this issue. You obviously care about doing the best for your children and I think that if you were to hear my side of it, you may feel differently. Let me ask you…”

As you can see, you don’t have to agree with the other person’s point of view. But you can still respect, appreciate or agree with their feelings about it and their dedication to wanting to protect their children. Let’s face it, you can always appreciate the other person’s intent. Most times, people on opposing sides of any issue don’t appreciate the reasons for the other person’s point of view, and so they don’t even hear each other. But, if you find a point of agreement first, you’ll find you are creating peace and co-operation in your communication, listening to what the other person is saying and finding a way to appreciate the other person and their reasons for having a particular point of view (even if it is totally opposed to yours).

Lets see how we could use it in a real situation. Imagine you are having a discussion about vaccination with someone. They are all for vaccinating every child, while you want to use natural methods of boosting your child’s health and immunity. Although you may see yourselves as totally opposed, you may actually have the same intent: To protect your children against disease and make them strong and healthy.

So the other person says… “The only way to eliminate the diseases and save children’s lives is to vaccinate everybody”. Rather than arguing with them, you could enter their world and say…

“I really appreciate your commitment and dedication to wanting to eliminate disease and protect (your) children’s health and I feel that there may be a more effective and long-term solution than injecting our children’s bodies with more drugs and chemicals not really designed by nature to be there. What about the possibility of enhancing their immune system with less junk food, more exercise, fresh air and good nutrition, and parental love and care?”

If you put it this way, the other person has no argument with you. They feel respected and heard and there is no fight – only new possibilities. This formula can be used with anyone, because no matter what the person says or does, you can find something to appreciate, agree or respect.  And best of all…

You are impossible to fight with - Because you won’t fight.

That is the way of peace, harmony and co-operation. And it is the only way to create lasting change that creates peace between people.

Thus, no matter what the other person says, you can respond with…

I agree with you.................... and... I appreciate your.................... and...
I respect your.................... and...
Let me ask you....................

1. Has there ever been a drug, vaccine or a medical procedure once thought to be safe but later found to cause death or severe side effects? 
2. And given that the pharmaceutical companies make billions of dollars selling vaccines and drugs to our children, is there a possibility that they may want to keep doing this, even if it may not be the most effective way to protect our children’s long-term health and well-being?
3. Have you ever been shown or asked your doctor about the warnings put out by vaccine manufacturers as to which children should not be vaccinated? Or if they are allergic to certain things which could cause a dangerous reaction?
4. Have you ever considered that if there are no records kept on the safety or effectiveness of each vaccine’s batch, how can you be sure your child is getting the best and safest protection?
5. If the dangerous reaction and side effects are so rare (1 in a million or so) and the vaccine is so effective, then should doctors mind signing a letter to that effect and taking responsibility if it doesn’t work as they say it will? After all, even a used car salesman has a written warranty on most cars. So, if they are so sure, this shouldn’t be a problem.
6. What are the exact numbers of children who are vaccinated, who get the disease and die or are seriously affected as compared with those who aren’t? Are there any records kept on this?
7. Are the sales people employed by the drug companies paid based on how effectively their vaccines and products work, or by the number of sales they make to doctors, schools and hospitals? And could there be a possibility that this may affect their desire to look at the alternatives?
8. If you were a doctor getting paid by the number of treatments and getting all sorts of incentives fron drug companies for selling their products, is there a possibility that you may not be as informed about the alternatives which don’t involve these drugs or vaccines?

Questions to Ask Others

1. Has your doctor ever shown you the list of side effects that comes with each vaccines as he is required to by law?
2. Have you ever been asked or shown the warning put out by the vaccine manufacturers as to which children should not be vaccinated?
3. Exactly how safe is each vaccine and how effective?
4. If the vaccines are so safe, would your doctor be willing to sign a form taking responsibility for its effectiveness and/or possible side effects?  (Mine sure wouldn’t be!)
5. Has there ever been a drug or medical procedure thought to be perfectly safe at one time and later found to be causing death and other problems?
6. Is it a possibility that the same thing could happen with some vaccines? Has this ever happened with a vaccine and are you absolutely certain this won’t happen again?
7. How many vaccinated children actually still get the disease?
8. How many of those die and/or are severely sick or damaged?
9. How do we know there are no dangerous side effects when the majority of vaccine adverse reactions are never reported?
10. Are the sale reps and public relations agencies who sell vaccines to the government and doctors paid by the number of people who are healthy or by how many vaccines they sell?
11. Do you think that giving responsibility for the health of your family to companies who make billions of dollars selling drugs is likely to lead them to recommend natural alternatives or more and more drugs and vaccines?